Homaphobe
by tootapanga 1
Summary: Something is up with Daniel...is he in love with Jack? NOT a slash. But funny. hope you like it. and please review.
1. Chapter 1 Jack

_A/N ok firstly to start with. This is NOT a slash story, but my house mate challenged me to write a jack/Daniel slash as a joke, witch think involves kissing at least, but...no not going to happen coz that's just gross. However, I had to write it so it appeared at least to be a slash story. So here goes. Try it its rather funny...well I think it is, it will be written in four parts, one from each point of view._

_OK my house mate just pointed out that I may sound like a homophobe. By the way I'm not a homophobe perse' I just really don't like it in public, but then I suppose I'm not big on any affection in public, and I'm also trying to get into jacks character. _

_Although, if you are gay, then know any themes in this story, are not meant to offend. It doesn't change what type of person you are, _

_And it's who you are not what you are that counts._

**JACK'S P.O.V.**

I think I'm about to vomit...

Daniel he's gone a little weird lately, I'm thinking about taking him to go see old doc. Frasier soon...if it wasn't so damn embarrassing.

It all started last week, after that mission to p4y-221. Well that's when I first noticed it...it was pretty immediate.

I was out on patrol, and I heard allot of screaming, and yelling, and I ran back but by the time I got there...I was told to leave...Teal'c like blocked the entrance and wouldn't let me in..So I want and sat on a log, and about an hour later they all wanted to go back home...so we did.

But that's where it got weird...Daniels been acting just weird...

I mean first it was in his walk, i mean we all know Daniel is on the feminine sided of the gene pool, but he's walking like a woman...swaying his hips and what-not, I mean when a woman walks like that she's asking you to look at her butt right?

And then he was stumbling around and talking about his feet feeling too big.

And then we went to go pee, and he seriously like watched me, so I gave him, that do you want me to zat you look, and he's just like 'sorry... just seeing how it's done

I mean what the hell, has he not pee'd before?

So that was the first thing that really got me thinking. And then he offered to walk on my six and I'm like whatever, coz Teal'c usually does it, but ok.

And then he's like 'hey sir, there's something on your butt' it's like some sick joke, ok yeah I sat in something, but what the hell is he doing looking at my butt.

Anyway I was glad to get back from that mission.

But it didn't end there,

I went home for a day or so, and then I forgot about it.

But then he was like practically sitting on my lap, during briefings, and him and Sam were conspiring, they were suddenly interested in each other's work, and they were looking at me and like giggling, well Daniel was...Sam looked worried.

And then like I was talking to him after the briefing, and like his case notes are so not that big...and so I'm looking around for that brunette on sg12 that he likes, and I couldn't see her, so I told him to go take care of it and he actually blushed, Daniel blushed. What then?

And so I get back in my quarters and I get this call and he's like 'I can't make it go away'

And I'm like...'yeah no it's stuck there'

So he's like 'well what I do?'

And I'm like...'wanna borrow some magazines'

And he's like 'I don't think you have the right ones.'

And I'm like 'nope I don't have Cleopatra, but it's got all the girly bits,'

And get this he's like 'yeah no' and hung up.

I mean that just weird it's like a twelve year old kid.

Anyway so all this stuff has been happening, for like a whole week, but today just did it. Were showering right, and I'm talking away to him, like we usually do, and I happen glance in his direction...like coz it didn't sound like he was paying attention, and there it is staring at me...but not at me at junior...and not Teal'c type of junior either...so I was shocked, annoyed...angry, I felt like whacking his head in the wall...so I ditched the bar of soap at his face...I mean you know what they say about soap.

Anyway so I got dressed, and had o take him to the infirmary, coz he was complaining about the soap in his eye, and I was like 'well, serves you right!'

And that's when it all came out, and now Sam's, killing herself laughing, and Teal'c looks all smug and I feel so stupid...And a little disturbed.

_A/N And for Teal'c POV please review._

_And I'll be coming to a computer near you...lol :D_


	2. Chapter 2 Teal'c

_A/N I want to appolagize that I havnt updated in so long, I moved and then got really really sick, I'm acctually still rather ill, but I'm learning to deal with it, so I hope to update more often. :D_

**Teal'c's P.O.V.**

The Tau'ri, cirtainly are a strange race.

Their customs, are so particular, on Chulack when someone has a problemb with another, they simply do battle over it, untill one rises victorious, and the other admits defeat, the trouble is then rectified, both agree to the terms the victor states.

Colonel O'Niell has been acting rather strange latly, he is most uncomfortable with DanielJacksons new found affections towards him. well of course he thinks, these new affections come from DanielJackson.

I would normally find it rather humerous, if he didnt keep interupting my kel'noreem.

Currently the real DanielJackson is be-friending a particular woman on SG12, the use of a female body serves him well.

In my opinion SamCarter is currently mis-using DanielJacksons body.

So I plan to speak to them about it, we have a short mission scheduled in half an hour, I have decided to adress the issue then, and hopefully Colonel O'Niell will leave me to Kel'noreem in peacefull silence.

_SG1SG1SG1SG1_

I spoke to DanielJackson But i was unable to adress Major Carter about the issue.

It seems likley that the truth will soon unfold.

Colonel O'Niell has just thrown a bar of soap, at Major Carter.

I believe there is some Tau'ri proticol about not picking soap of the floor of a cleansing bay.

So I dress and escort my two comrades to the infirmary, I fear without supervision, DanielJacksons body may be fiurther harmed.

I don't know why I agreed to this redicilouse stage in the beginning. I suppose it's so seldom that both DanielJackson nd Major Carter beg, and over use the word please, they usually exibit that behaviour towwards Colonel O'Niell.

It felt nice, But now i feel regret...No wonder Colonel O'Niell seems to be in a constant state of distress.

_A/N I know it was really short, but i plan on updating the next chapter immediatly._


	3. Chapter 3 Daniel

_A/N I hiope every one is enjoying this story, I suppose it's not all that original, but still hoping someone out there likes it. Please leave you're reviews, they would be greatly appreciated, and it's allways nice to have the reasurance. thanks everyone._

_Oh and P.S. I've just got a new computer and havn't yet had the chance to install microsoft office, so i have no spell check, and as we all know I'm not the best so please forgive me. :D_

**Daniel's P.O.V**

It all started on P4Y-221.

Sam talked me into it. Ok it was a mutual decision, based on a glance, never the less, we agreed to keep it under our hats untill we either figured out what to do, or got bored with it. so far it had been fun. untill now, Sam's in the infirmairy.

So things aren't going so great now.

I've spent some time with Jenny, the archeologist from SG12, and I told her that I was desperate to set Daniel up with someone, she giggled and then agreed, to come on a group outing with me, and him, me and myself. Oh this is confusing. Daniel and Sam.

This is getting rather hard, Jack is feeling a little uncomfortable, and Teal'c just shouted through the door something about a little mishap involving soap.

So now I'm following them.

I'm a little opposed to my walk latly, I hope Jenny dosen't see it, she might think I bat for the other team, I think I'll have to talk to Sam about that.

There's also that other issue Jack was complaining about, he was rather vauge, but I'm a little concerned about my reputation.

Janet is talking to Sam now.

'I just can't figure him out latly, he's gone loopy' Jack sighed, as he sat on the bench next to me.

'I'm sure your taking it the wrong way' I assured him.

'Sam he was...' he motined to his body

'what?' I shook my head.

'He was checking me out...in the shower'

I gulped before trying to think of an explination.

'Prehaps she was trying that new meditation, and it only seemed that he was looking at you' I excused

'He'

'What?'

'You said she, but I suppose the way he's been acting latly, it's a acceptablte mistake.'

'Oh...anyway, I don't think it was what you thought it was' I continued

'I'm pretty sure it was, It's not the first thing thats happened' he explained

'What do you mean?

'Well, he watched me pee, a while ago, and then he was looking at my butt'

'Are you talking about when we were on P4Y-221?'

'Yeah'

'Well there was bark on your but, and he did have a big electro magnetic shock, prehaps he forgot'

'Forgot how to pee, and there is an unspoken law about looking at other guys buts, you should've told me' he noted

'I didn't notice'

'And then there was the magazene thing'

'What magazene?'

'He had issues, well he actually practically sat on my during the breifing, and then he had his issues, and he rang me and told me that he couldn't make it go away, so I said I could borrow some magazenes, and he said that they wouldnt be the right ones'

'Hmm' I suppressed a chuckle

'What?'

'It was funnier coming from him'

'What was?'

'The story' I confirmned

'He rang you?' Jack accused

'She's just...'

'You did it again'

'Did what?

'She'

'Oh...look theres something I have to tell you about P4Y-221

'What?'

_A/N please i should think its obvious, but yes, daniel and sam have swapped bodies. :D_


	4. Chapter 4 Sam

_A/N And now for the final chapter, i hope everyone enjoyed this, i kinda had fun writing it._

**Sam's P.O.V.**

Ok, I knew it was a stupid idea from the beginning, but it seemed like it would work in our favour, I could spend more time with Jack, and daniel could spend more time with Jenny, she's a nice girl, but I'm sick of relaying conversations between them.

And besides I thought it was going to be easy.

I didn't realize how a one size differance in shoes, could throw you so completly of ballance, Daniel is so gracefull, He didnt manage to trip, infact, he looks perfectly at home in my body. prehaps that's something that comes with accention, you get used to inhabiting different life forms.

Anyway the shoe thing was bad, and the extra body weight, I mean he's fit, but I just keep expecting to be lighter, and I'm always hungry, I don't know how he manages to lock himself in his office and work for days, I'm hungry after an hour.

And then there was the learning to pee straight. I'll never get angry at mark if he misses again, bring on the drunken chrismases, I understand. I actually had to watch Jack to see how he did it, Maybe I shouldv'e just asked Daniel it is his body after all.

And then theres this coffee adiction he's got going, it's almost intollarable, now I know why we cant get him up without the stuff.

There's been allot of these little things happening, and then I thought Jack was onto us, and decided to play allong, because he stood in the shower beside me, soaping himself up looking like some unholy god, and when I finally looked he threw soap at my eye., and it really hurts, he had a damed good arm on him. not that I hadn't noticed before.

And now I'm sitting in the infirmairy, under Janets scolding look.

"This could've been really dangerouse, you dont know what repocussions it could have' she blurted

'Oh it's not dangerous, we did our research' i retorted.

'Dani...Sam, this is not funny!' she scolded me

'I never said it was, although you just wait untill you hear what some of the male officers think about you'

'Sam, I can't believe you would do something like this'

'Daniel did it too!' I complained

'I'm appalled, sam i really thought that you'd have more brains than to do someth...'

'What the hell!' Jacks voice boomed from the next room.

Moments later the rest of the team bursted through the door.

'your Sam?' he accused

'yes' I nodded, I still wasn't used to having this much larger and stronger boddy, so I sunk into the corner, As he bellowed over me.

'Oh thank god your not gay' he scooped me up in to a big bear hug. Before reganing his composure and dumping me back on the chair.

he turned around and hit Daniels little arm.

'I can't believe you did this' he was annoyed again

'hey it wasn't my idea' Daniel whined.

god I'm nevver whining again, I never realized how high pitched and annoying it was.

'Well then Danile who's idea was it?' Janet questioned.

I noticed as Ipointed to him, he was returning the gesture, and I frowned.

'I suggest you get this sorted out immediatly, I'll inform General Hammond, and we can deal with this when you get back' Janet fairly ordered.

'Yes ma'am' jack nodded as he pushed us towards the gate room.

_SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1SG1_

'You sure you know what you doing?' Jack asked as we both placed our hands on the grid

'Yes sir' I smiled

'You screamed lasttime, I hope it dosent hurt too much' he grinned

'No it didn't hurt, just felt really...' Daniel began

'freaky' I finished

'freaky...' Jack contimplated.

A few moments passed, before I was satisfyed the job was complete.

'All done' i smiled

'How do we know?' he asked

'She's not lying Jack' Daniel sighed.

'You could be lying' Jack accused

'I'm not' Daniel whined

'Might be'

'I'm not' daniel whined again.

'But how do i know, you both had me fooled for over a week, sam's not as good as an actor of course but...'

Jack was cut of by the sudden worried look on Daniels face.

'Is something bothering you?' Teal'c asked

'something dosen't feel right' Daniel raised his hand to his head.

'What's wrong?' Jack was genuenly concerned for Daniel or Sam whoever it was.

'I feel lightheaded, and ...tired' Daniel groaned

'Classic Coffee De-tox side affects, I've been feeling them for the last four days, I'm doing you a favour Daniel I've got you through the worst part, an addiction like that isn't healthy' Sam explained

'Ohhh- oh-no...I need coffee' Daniel worried

'Don't you dare!' Sam argued

Jack simply smiled, knowing that his friends were back to being theirselves.

"C'mon Danny, time to go home' Jack pulled him along

'Coffee?'

'Sure' Jack smiled

'But Sir!' sam whined, and then she remembered she wasn't going to do that anymore. and began to follow them, a few steps later she slowed, and then stopped

'Daniel?' she called

'Yeah?'

'Can you tell me...what am I wearing?' she asked

'Clothes?' Daniel replied.

She paused and then looked down her top.

'I have lacy Bras!' she accused him

'Is that bad?' Daniel questioned

'I don't own lacy bras'

'Oh, I had trouble figuring them out'

'So?' Sam questioned

'So I cut them off, Don't worry I've got the knack now' he smiled

'And you bought Lace?' she admonished him

'That's bad isn't it?'

'Theyre all uncomfortable!' she scolded him

'All bras are...but they were pretty'

'pretty?' sam scolded

'Oh C'mon, I changed you'r Bras you took my coffee away, I'm fairly sure were even.

As they came back to the gate sam was still shrugging her new strap.

'Oh Sam Daniel didn't have that much trouble with them' Jack scolded

'How do you know?' Sam snapped

Jack smiled and turned around

'Jack? how do you? Daniel how does he know?' Sam demanded

'I...I took him shopping' Daniel smiled

'What?' Sam exploded

'They do look pretty' Jack smiled

'you let him, you, aghh!' sam threw her arms up in exasperation.

'So not even?' Jack smiled

'Hey she alphabeticalized my office!' Daniel whined

'Good you finally got a filing system' Jack agreed

'I had a perfically fine system!' Daniel retorted.

'Oh I did, your house too'

'what can you alphabeticalize there?'

'oh books, papers, dvd's cd's cerial boxes' sam began

'stop I don't want to know' Daniel shook his head

The gate wooshed and sam stepped through.

"Jack she did my cerial boxes' Daniel whined

'Not that I'm complaning, but you did let another man see her breasts' Jack mildly scolded him

'What are you saying?' Daniel tried on his lost boy look.

'Just that paybacks a bitch...I heard she also did your shoes, she was on the phone when she was doing it, I thought you'd turned over a new leaf. Oh and you better 'Check your linned cuboard'

'You cant alphabeticalize sheets!' daniel whined

'But you can colour co-ordinate' Jack laughed as he stepped through.

'I let him come bra shopping with sam, and all i got was..paybacks a bitch?' Daniel whined to teal'c.

'Indeed' Teal'c passed him and stepped through, thinking, 'Damn it, I don't think I'm getting my peacefull Kel'noreem back anytime soon'

'This was a bad idea' Daniel sighed as he stepped home.

_A/N Thanks for reading guys, I hope you had as much fun as I did. :D_

_please review._


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